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Queen of the Trash and the Zombies

Every year I tell myself that this will be the year that I take up running and find some enjoyment in it. This year is no different, although I’m still trying to convince myself I like running 5 weeks after I decided to give it another try. This isn’t quite like the time I forced myself to start liking LaCroix or the time I decided that I could be a fan of cats by bringing one home. No, every time I run, my whole body cries and I spend 40 minutes hating myself. By the end of the day, however, I forget how horrible it was, how sweaty I got, and how I became my own worst enemy: a tomato. While some people are natural born athletes, I am not, therefore I’m forced to start from scratch.

Back in the days of my youth where I didn’t need a gallon of concealer to cover my eye bags and I could participate in middle school sports, I played volleyball. I began playing in the 5th grade and it very quickly took over my life. I loved everything about it and probably broke the garage door at least once hitting the ball against it for hours. My obsession led me to meet one of my heroes, Kerri Walsh-Jennings. I kick myself about four times a week for losing the picture I took with her. The one part of volleyball I could never get behind was running, so when I made it to high school, I ended my career knowing full well that I could not run the 8-minute mile required during tryouts. To this day, I regret that decision, almost as much as I regret the time I tried to brush my parents’ dog and ended up with a broken toe or the time I fell off a boat and went under it because I refused to hold on to the spider-covered railing.

Since my broken toe has now healed and my fear of spiders encourages me to run for my life, it felt like the right time to take up running. I’ve tried the Couch to 5k method a few times but never seem to make it past the 3rd week so I tried something new: Zombies 5k. This app essentially prepares you to run a 5k by letting you live your dreams (or nightmares) of being on The Walking Dead. I mean, not really on The Walking Dead because I assume there are all sorts of patents and copyrights, but it’s close enough. Week by week, you complete three workouts that help to push the story along and take you closer to what I can only assume is the mother of all zombie chases. I won’t lie to you, I’ve gotten legitimately scared while using this app in my parents’ basement. If you’ve been following my Facebook posts for the last few years, then you know all about the Evil Black Marble. That is just one of the many, MANY horrors that exist in the depths of that house. Needless to say, it’s not totally unlikely for a zombie to appear and put a damper on my day.

Up to the point of the story I’m at in the app, I am being trained to be a runner who will go collect stuff for the compound. I’m not sure what happens if I don’t collect enough things. Perhaps they’ll feed me to the zombies, or maybe some other beloved character will get savagely murdered by Negan. My most recent collecting practice was to run around and pick up trash. I wish I could say that this was the first time I was forced to pick up trash, but sadly, it wasn’t. By the end of the workout, I was carrying a massive bag of garbage on my back while running away from a zombie. It was very exciting and I would imagine probably pretty smelly. I can only hope that by the time the real zombie apocalypse takes place, I become nose blind just like Rick Grimes & Co.

I highly recommend the app, especially if you like being scared and running outside. It’s rather difficult to use the app on a treadmill once you hit week 3 due to random stretching thrown in between intervals. All I can say about that is that it really freaks out the other people in my building’s gym when I start doing loud high knees every couple of minutes.

While this app exists, I feel myself becoming better prepared for our future. Now the only thing I need is the Zombie Survival Kit that the CDC has created and I should be in tip top shape to run from and fight off any walkers I come in contact with, unless of course, that day comes tomorrow, in which case I’m screwed.

I hope to update about the running and the zombies as the weeks go by.

Until then, be well and long live Negan.

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